Oooooh No...not the rat tail again!

I know that the eighties has been making a real comeback...but please oh please tell me that the rat tail that lil boys used to rock is not coming back?! Fellas don't do it! Apparently NBA player Drew Gooden was sporting the beginnings of one... and I came across this blog about rat tails . Now I have spent the majority of my time in NY...but maybe it never died in some parts...i don't know, but I wish it would die.


It seems as though Bobby Valentino is growing one in the back of his head. Check it out in his new video Beep Beep.

Ever had a REAL Conversation?

Ever had to have a real conversation with someone? For those of us who like to keep it classy…we like to have ‘real conversations’ with certain individuals. If you don’t know what it is… I would say that having a real conversation with someone is a spin off of “telling like it is” or “keeping it real,” but it’s more classy, sophisticated...if you will…a tool of EBP (Educated Black People …still don’t know google it). Having a real conversation with someone is not intentionally hurtful or mean…. But instead you are clearly and effectively expressing the truth and your concerns since they seem to have gone unnoticed for sometime. It may be the case that the individual is not ready for what you are about to let them know…so things may get ugly before they get better.
Usually the point at which you find yourself needing to have a real conversation with someone is close to when it will actually happen, because its simply UNAVOIDABLE. It’s usually something that needs to be done…because frankly the BS has gone on for waaay to long and you feeling like “I need to handle this before I choke ole’ girl.” Once you put it in your mind that that’s it’s not okay for them to carry on the way that they are, you won’t be at ease until you express yourself. If you are still unsure of what a real conversation is please read the following scenarios and think back to when you may have had to have a real conversation with someone.

• When you loaned your friend money out of the kindness of your heart and a couple weeks go by and they still haven’t paid you back; yet, you notice that she got a fresh blow out/ or he got on fresh kicks; meanwhile you scrapping together paper bag lunches trying to get by cause you made a sacrifice for they ass. A real conversation needs to be had about when they gonna pay you back and why you struggling at their expense. Real… talk, maybe if you weren't getting so many blowouts or new kicks you wouldn’t need to borrow cash in the 1st place…those keds get you to and work just fine.
  

• When your friend doesn’t understand that a bootycall is not a relationship…and she is running around telling everyone about your nightly activities and blowing things out of proportion…a real conversation needs to be had. Real talk…Coming over at 4am is not a breakfast date boo.
  

• When you come back from lunch and you notice repeatedly that your coworker is eyeing you, or when you get off of a personal phone call they eyeing you again. How about when you chatting with your friend on gchat and that’s when they decide to come over and ask you about a report due next week as if to warn you about your productivity. A real conversation need be had about he or she clocking your work when they not your supervisor. Real talk…You don’t see me saying nothing about your oh so convenient coffee breaks or on Monday morning how you feel the need to let your girlfriend know about your weekend escapades while the rest of us were preparing for the work week.

• When your homegirl beings to think she's the third person in your relationship. Filling you in on your man's whereabouts or asking about his upcoming projects as if she's a consultant. A real conversation needs to be had about the fact that she need not be overly concerned about your man and vocalizing how great he is. Real talk…Yes, I like my man in that vest too, but you don't need to mention it 5 times about how good he looks in it
  

Feel free to share any situations in which you had to have a real conversation with someone over some ole’ bullshit. Stay tuned for the Rules of a real conversation and when a real conversation goes wrong.

Who should most be inspired by Obama? AND...Will we see a baby in the White House? (Hopefully...)

I've been meaning to provide commentary on this particular subject for quite sometime. Today's early boredom at work is as good a motivation as any, I suppose, to highlight the people that I espouse should be most inspired by that dude Barack's election (yeah, we're on a first name basis like that). Though many groups lay legitimate claim to Obama's racial and cultural identity, his monolithic appeal forces a magnetism of sharing and commonality that is unprecedented to date (even immediately post 9-11, in this author's opinion), primarily because the guy just doesn't fit nicely into any category to which he's grabbed (I dunno, kinda like how people romanticize America). One group, however, exacts an exlusivity in claim (two if you count my sorors) on a very acute inspiration from Barack, and they get the gold for who should be most inspired. That group is BLACK WOMEN--and their claim is Michelle Obama.

Michelle Obama is straight up black and a straight up woman, period (who's "bad" in a good way...see photo above [which doesn't even show off the fatty])! Michelle seems to be as good as it gets, on a number of levels, and I think nothing evinces Barack's judgment more resoundingly than his grinding (hard by most accounts) to pull Michelle (who was older and who was more established...she was even "the breadwinner" for a good portion of their marriage--even Oprah can't say that). With the destitution of honor and chronic dearth of mores in the black community, the black family more frequently than not finds itself in the position of suspect numero uno. From the natal alienation of slavery through the institutional devouring of our families presently, the black family has never more prominently stood nor has the world subjected it to as much scrutiny as it does today, using the Obama household as conduit. With black women vastly positioned as the cornerstone of our families, Barack's success is largely Michelle's. One could argue at length regarding the nuances of her involvement in Barack's campaign (I personally believe she was the mastermind), she consisently projects a standard by which black women should be inspired--touching the professional (did u see her speeches!?!?), aesthetic, and familial aspects of black womanhood. In short, I imagine little debate would surface as to whether or not Barack would be in his present station were it not for Michelle. Since the US Census reflects black women's propensity to marry outside their race to be the lowest of all racial categories, there is hope and inspiration that doing you could pay off in a way markedly different from black people feeling that we can all "make it" now. Some might call me a dreamer, but I think the likelihood of stronger black families (no matter how few) as a result of black women being reinvigored by Michelle's example will more likely outnumber the total of neo-"[insert noun] movements" in America, and hopefully it will dead movies like "Something New" or "The Family that Preys" (lol...smh with a heavy sigh).

Black men need to sit they asses down, be humbled, reflective and introspective about the magnitude of having the safety net of institional excuses singed more and more daily (and then stand up and set out to inspire our black women even as Barack has with his lifetime cabinet pick). Whatever the expectations preset, whatever the onslaught of adversity, black men are increasingly realizing unprecedented successes AND holding down black women. Playtime is all but over in that regard. Black women, on the other hand, in this small way can viscerally empathize and enjoy Michelle's illness so far, though I'm sure more is to come.

[Though I didn't comment on her innumerable professional accolades and chose to focus exclusively on family life, please don't assume my accent to family life in any way being a presumable pinnacle of success amid black women (it had to be said, cuz yall crazy, and I ain't tryna get cut).]

On a lighter note, the White House unquestionably needs a baby! Behind the grin resulting from my conviction, rests the negro in me who wants to still further push America to a place of deeper tolerance and acceptance. First, let me say that I am delighted at how the media has embraced the Obama children (and their coming pup). Could you imagine how the media would respond to a new baby? While Michelle is doing big things professionally (because I think she's going to grind)? While Barack leads the free world? If that would not be inspiration for black families and for American tolerance and acceptance to be extended, I would be hard pressed to find anything short of "choose your champion (UFC/Gladiator type)" strong arming. Although, I am uneasy about America falling in love with black youth publicly (see Michael Jackson and Gary Coleman) to say the least.

But perhaps most exhilirating aspect of a baby in the White House would be sticking it to the Palin family (wow!). Nuff said!

*I know if Michelle was my wife and I was prez, I'd be getting it poppin' in the White House!!!!

Comments welcome!

Who is Sasha Fierce

It’s a shame that our girl B must create an alter ego to say what she really wants to say. I actually I like this character Sasha Fierce much better. My favorite tracks come from the Sasha Fierce side, including sweet dreams. But all in all I think B should drop the alter ego and just be herself. Her fans would appreciate a more down to earth and slightly more gritty side every once in a while…well at least I would. Not saying she should take the Keyshia Cole route but it would have us all intrigued nonetheless.

The alter ego idea is not at all creative, most recently TI, Mary J., Tyrese, Nelly and Garth Brooks have done it and in the past David Bowie and The Beatles have experimented with alter egos as well. None seemed to be major career boosters… I think that B attempted something, but she just scratched the surface of something that could’ve been better. As a Newsday blogger so cleverly put it

It's a brilliant idea, if only the music cooperated. Beyoncé is clearly feeling more lovey-dovey and less bootylicious these days....In the end, neither Beyoncé personality gets fully developed here. "I Am ... Sasha Fierce" is supposed to be a declaration, but it sounds more like "I Am ... Not Sure."

I agree. I mean what is it that Sasha Fierce has that Beyonce, as we know her, lacks? A kinky sex life?…wait until you hear Video Phone. Other than that they sound like the same person. Honestly Sasha Fierce isn’t a huge jump from good ole’ B (and this is evident with the double cd). Instead she sort of reminds me of the sassy Beyonce that made songs like Independent Woman, Check on it, Crazy in love, 03Bonnie & Clyde. Could it be that Sasha Fierce existed all along but only now was she able to break free? If so how long will she be free. Will there be more from Sasha Fierce on the next album?

I'm going to give this album a B. It's somewhat consistent in that you have a few danceable hits and sing along ballads...but no classics coming out of this one. So far nothing can touch her first solo album Dangerously In Love (2003). I’m not sure if anything will ...at least not as long as she is still able to dip it low for silly songs like Single Ladies

What we will take from this album is a new definition of a hustler: “A diva is a female version of a hustla” –thanks to Sasha Fierce for that one…whoever she really is.

Sweet Dreams

Bald is beautiful ?

In the past week, I've run across TWO different stories in TWO different reputable literary sources (Glamour and Allure) on male landscaping-- i.e. "MAN-SCAPING". Is it really that much of a phenomenon? Or are these magazines just running out of things to talk about? Perhaps there is a quota on how many "Have better orgasms" articles they can print each year, and they have decided to get at the fellas instead.

Now, for those who don't now what "man-scaping" is - let me fill you in. Man-scaping is basically any kind of hair removal from a man's body other than from his face or scalp. This can include shaving or waxing, like "chest man-scaping", a la "The 40-year old Virgin", or something a little more intricate (to say the least) .... i.e. the "Brozilian", a male equivalent to a Brazilian. In fact, both Jay-Z and Diddy have publicly admitted to having had "Brozilians". In this month's Allure, Diddy states, "I shave and groom my private areas. It's a better presentation for me. If men require women to go through the pain, we should return the favor."

See now, I appreciate that Diddy realizes that he holds his women to a high standard when it comes to personal grooming and is willing to do the same for his partners, but um really, is this necessary? I mean, its one thing to trim and keep tidy but is the prepubescent hairless look really that sexy? Isn't being hairy one thing men are good at? Let's not even explore the pain/stubble/ or ingrown hair aspect to this scenario. And although I am secretly delighted that some men are experiencing the sheer level of pain that is a result of hot wax being spread across their unmentionables and quickly ripped off, it doesn't mean I want my man to build a relationship with the same chick who waxes my eyebrows. Also, I feel like this puts some pressure back on women in an subtle, underhanded way. If you stay on top of your wax game ...does that mean I have to too?

Now there are many different hypothesises on the causes of this phenomenon. Of course, there is that long held rumor that "it makes it look bigger", or the suggestion that there is an element of extra sensitivity when hair free. But overall, I blame porn, and in particular hi-definition pornography, for this craze. I think men are beginning to try to capture the unrealistic physical expectations displayed in pornography that has long plagued females. I have hard time believing that most average men would 1. come up with this idea on their own without seeing it on t.v., and 2. really want to lift their leg up and to the side so that Kim Lee can get those stubborn stray hairs.

What I do know is that I'm going to feel real strange if my man got shy one night because he missed his standing wax at Bliss. I have a hard time thinking of anything un-sexier. So what do you think? Is it too much to enjoy a little bit of chest hair on a man (and some below), or should we be exploring the whole new ball game...hair free...

Don't Block Your Blessings

It's Sunday again...the day I allot to a little reflection time.

On a daily basis I work with a woman who has a lot going on in terms of stress. Her heart is in the right place but life seems to keep knocking her down. She is caught up in a system that has lead her through cyclical stress. I would be completely discrediting myself, my job and other in the helping field if I said that the system hasn't given her anything. I realize that the system has finally come to the point of putting a few people in her life who really care about her and are there to actually help... already some changes have been made.

Just this past week I came to realize that I was dreading her coming into my office. I noticed that she was so miserable that she was draining my energy. I'm in a helping profession and the burn-out rate is quick...but this woman is burning me out almost immediately. I finally had to say "look put the goddamn stress aside and do something fun!" No noo I didn't actually say that, but I did become frustrated with her because she was sitting around moping, when I was about to skip off to a fun workshop that my job was offering for free. All I could think was that she was sitting there sulking yet again but not taking advantage of the free class that I knew she needed. More importantly I thought she just needed to take a break from her miserableness and do something to benefit herself. The thing that is most frustrating in working with her is that she does not see the good in her situation AT ALL. In just six months we had done so much, made so much progression and yet she wasn't seeing this.

Unfortunately I don't have some cute ending to the story with her. She is still going to carry on miserably until some miracle occurs...unless I can convince her otherwise. But I did learn two things.
1. Sometimes you just gotta be selfish and do you.
I mean sometimes you gotta put your stress aside and enjoy yourself. Forget about everyone else and invest sometime into your self. it may seem selfish, but it actually isn't. When it comes to taking care of yourself, you have to make the first move.
2. Don't block your blessings.
Remember not to block your blessings. Look for the good in your situation, even if it's small. Any amount of progress, is progress nonetheless. Also if you are spending your time complaining to a friend...eventually they are going to get tired of hearing it. My solution: realize your emotion and let it out so that you can get rid of it or deal with it and move on. Live your life and realize that there will always be bumps along the way. The journey doesn't end at that bump, eventually you get over it and onto the next.

Our first "colored" president

Ok so we know that Lindsay Lohan has no home training...but damn did she really call Obama our first "colored" president??? I think it was a rather muffled part of the interview but listen for yourself right around 17-19 seconds into the clip.

The Girlfriend Code Rule I

Rule I
If your girlfriend VERBALLY expresses that she likes/has a crush/ hooked up with/ had a one night stand/ or had some serious flirting with a guy that she would like to date….he is off limits.

I’m addressing this 1st b/c it the most common mistake - usually is a fool proof way to dissolve a friendship.

Personally, I don’t get why women still refuse to get this—thousands of relationships would be saved if we simply followed this rule and stopped being underhanded. Women are possessive, and even if it did not work between her and him – it does not mean that she wants to see you together…ever… It’s just an honest fact. I mean really ladies, think of men like a pair of shoes. If you are scouting a pair of gorgeous pumps, day dreaming about them, bookmarking the URL on your computer, and just waiting for pay day so you can make your move...how would you feel if your friend showed up with the last pair, in your size, talking about "Oh I didn't know you liked them,". Just the thought makes you want to slap a bitch, and ask her what parallel universe she is living in, considering you've been talking about those shoes for the past two weeks, and planning your Saturday night outfit around them. Now if your foolish girlfriend had really been listening and followed the code, you'd probably have that pair of faux crocodile purple pumps to wear with your skinny jeans right now, or better yet that tall, dark, and handsome guy you met at that party you went to last week.

Moreover, I would like to point out that at least 70% of the time, it’s so not worth it because the relationship that ensues is usually so drama riddled that it ends up imploding on itself, and in the end you'll just have to go back your inner circle...embarrassed and seeking forgiveness.

I’d also like to point out the key word in rule 1- VERBAL communication—you cannot be responsible for reading your friend’s mind. Ladies please remember, stating your claim is still a necessary step...even amongst the inner circle (its a hard world out there). I cannot assume just because you smile at a guy that you're actually really interested -- you smile at everything with a penis.

Stay tuned for Rule II.....

The Girlfriend Code

Note: this blog is part of a series, and will updated periodically. Please stay tuned, and commentary is always welcome!



I’ve always had a lot of female friends. Having only one little brother, and no sisters, I find comfort in having close female friends and cousins that I could confide in. There is a power and inexpiable strength within that female bond, and it probably explains why I joined a sorority in college. Over the past 24 years, I have to say I’ve been a pretty good girl friend. In fact, I think broken friendship between a close girlfriend leaves what Diane Farr, the author of “The Girl Code”, calls “ a scar on the soul”, where no matter how much time has passed, you still feel a soft spot for a girlfriend lost and close times shared. Unfortunately, “these scars” or broken friendship are often result from blatant disregard, neglect, and obliteration of a simple code of ethics that all women have learned, socialize in, and continually perpetuate. So I have taken it upon myself to give you, the readers of this highly culturally aware blog, a crash course in girlfriend ethics, in the hope that all of us who do still follow the code of ethics amongst girlfriends can stop asking ourselves if we are crazy, and start asking other chicks “Bitch, where are your scruples?"

So what is a girlfriend exactly? I’m not talking about that chick you chitchat with at work, or a casual friend that you run into while getting your nails done. I am talking about the girls who comprise your inner circle, who you go visit just because, and spend hours with talking about something seemingly insignificant with the kind seriousness found only at G8 summit (example: your undeniable love affair with Anderson Copper, even though he’s a powder puff or Beyonce's video). A girlfriend has a mini catalog of your outfits (or if you have a memory like mine—a extensive catalog), and doesn’t judge you for still trying to be “friends” with that ex-boyfriend that you actually did love … even if the relationship was three years ago. You are not afraid to breakdown and cry in front of this girlfriend, in particular, if it is over seeing that same silly ex-bf (that you were just trying to be “friends” with) kicking it with some other girl –whom your girlfriend (if she’s a good one) will assure you is ugly and has some type of physical deformity (even if ole girl is a Naomi Campbell look a like). Real girlfriends allow you to bitch about your other good friends when they are acting out, and you know she won’t turn around gossip because she knows 1. You’re just venting, and 2. You’re probably right. And most importantly, these are the friends that you can go without seeing for one month or more, and will you not receive a nasty message talking about “where the fuck you been?” – but instead will be able to catch up over one dinner and couple glasses of wine like no time had ever passed.

Now in life, you are only blessed with a few friends like this. I believe that you can have really only have 4 girlfriends like this at the most (because honestly to share your business with anymore of these would just be silly). Now a woman’s circle of friends can be as wide as 10 or 12 people. But your inner circle comprises of a much smaller group of women in and outside that circle with whom you share your dreams, hopes, and fears.

Women learn the code of ethics at a very early age – as early as in pre-k or kindergarten- and the lessons only solidify, as you get older. It starts with small things, like only sharing your crayons with the girl who brings you an extra jell-o pack to lunch. But I feel like the real height of female socialization is middle school- or what I like to call “The Mean Girl Stage”. Why middle school you ask? Well for three reasons:

1. It’s where the formation of cliques, inner circles, and social hierarchy are formed.
2. Puberty begins and you can choose to either surround with friends who make you feel better about yourself, or not
3. The crash collision of hormones and boys –which sad to say is often the cause of fissure between girlfriends.

It’s on the middle school playground, amidst discussion of training bras, lip-gloss, and crushes, you learn to be a girlfriend, confidante, and a team player. Essentially it’s where you learn loyalty to those close to you, and fierce bitchiness to those who want infiltrate or destroy your circle. In some ways middle school is its own form of girlfriend hazing where you are constantly tested, and constantly testing your girlfriends. (Yes, it’s incredibly immature, but hey you’re 11)

So I think what women need to return to the lessons learned on the playground, amongst ponytails and bubblicious bubble gum, and start treating their inner circle girlfriends with the some sense. For those of you women who have read this far—and are on that “I only hang out with dudes because I don't get along with girls” tip—this actually probably more for you –because the real reason you don’t get along with women probably lies in your serious lack in girlfriend ethics (i.e. bitches don’t have a reason trust your no scruple having behind…get your shit together).

My next post will include a cheat sheet for you to help keep the few girlfriends you may have....