Investment Idea to Resist the Economic Slump

In the wake of this economic turmoil, black and brown folks alike reside in the unfortunate position of most likely to get F'd in the A (to borrow a phrase from Cartman). With that, it is tremendously important that we all wade the present and future economic tidal waves with creativity and earnest. How you ask? We must all adopt Surrogate White Parents!!!!

Now at first glance, this may appear vintage Uncle-Tomism, but I assure you of the contrary. In stark contrast to past interaction between whites and blacks in America, it is now not only increasingly taboo for white people to voice any negative feeling predicated in race (even if valid) without also conjuring some backlash, but they must also appear racially sensitive--at least for the time being. This, my friends, is the niche in the market that many of us educated blacks can capitalize on to ensure the economic maelstrom doesn't take us for that final and fatal ride. Overall, the benefit to adopting Surrogate White Parents is practically limitless. Beyond being viewed as racially transcendent and having access to previously untapped spheres, imagine how much fun you might have in making these white folks perpetually uncomfortable while simultaneously subservient. Despite the risk factors involved (e.g. at some point actually believing that you've been adopted), the cost benefit analysis definitely favors active and aggressive pursuit of this venture.

There exists, of course, a method to the madness. Adopting Surrogate White Parents ensures a certain level of inheritance directly commensurate with the type of "child" you are. Lastly, be sure to invest according to your means. It makes no sense to own a bunch of stock with an investment horizon that precludes you from paying your rent. Similarly, attempting to adopt Warren Buffet might be equally asinine for some. Besides, Lebron James is already working on that. If done correctly, you may be the next Barack Obama. Good Luck! (See Helpful Hints section below.)

Helpful Hints (Not an exhaustive list, comments welcome):

Do's

1. Discover the most efficient means of acquiring your Surrogate White Parent. (Just asking won't work. Think public display. Think black male. If them denying you risks public humiliation for them in some way, you're on the right track). This limits supplier power.
   
2. Once secured, you must think long term growth in the value of your investment. You must teach your surrogate things like the motorcycle dance or how to pop-loc-and-drop-it and any other thing they wish they could do to increase their "coolness." This increases your buyer power as it ensures their investment in your success (you bring something to the table that "enriches" them "culturally") and reduces the likelihood of them looking to substitutes. Brand quality baby.
   
3. Began to extract small dividends. Getting benefits that tax the Surrogate White Parent (if done at the right level) will discourage poaching by rivals in the space and provide intermittent goodies.
4. Know when to sell. No investment is sound without an exit strategy.
   

Don'ts

1. Don't physically or emotionally harm a Surrogate White Parent as a form of reparation. It's bad form and not good for morale.
2. Don't befriend the biological spawn of a Surrogate White Parent. If you are successful in your endeavor, you will surely incur their wrath at some point.
3. Don't demand too much in dividends prior to sufficient growth. Dividends are resources that are better utilized than reinvested in the company. Don't be that hood chick asking for somebody to buy her some shoes.
   
4. Don't tell your Surrogate White Parent that they are your Surrogate White Parent.
   

*For additional information, please see my forthcoming softback "Creepin On the Come Up: Getting White People to Do Whatever the Fuck You Want" from the folks who brought you the Audacity of Hope: Thoughts on Reclaiming the American Dream. (Crown Publishing/Three Rivers Press).

The Jesse Jackson Affirmation of the Day:

"If white is comprised of all the colors of the rainbow, then you best believe colored folks should be gettin' some of that dough." ~Jesse Jackson (cough)

(We need yallz vote to get Jesse Jackson inducted into the Hip Hop Hall of Fame...let's get, get, get it!)